Doctors in the Middle Ages, Plague doctor: "I must have some herbs to block out bad air."
Doctors now: "God, WTF were we doing back then?"
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.
Why don't you see black people with Down syndrome?
Because God doesn't punish someone twice.
God sent gays to fix overpopulation. Until they ended same-sex marriage.
"I’m on a hunt for my wife’s murderer, have been for years."
"Oh my God! Your wife’s been murdered?!"
"No no, you misunderstand. I’m still looking for him."
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find God, he'll help you!"
Then the man said, "There’s only one way to get to God, and that is through Jesus. Have you, my friend, found him?"
I saw a kid crying. I asked him what's wrong, where are your parents? They paused and looked at me funny... GOD I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE.
Not all roses are red; Not all violets are blue; If you're reading this, God loves you.
What did God say when he made Jake Paul?
"Oops, I made a mistake."
I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.
One day, in the Serengeti, a zebra started wondering if he was a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. So he goes around asking all the animals. He never gets his answer.
One fateful day, he dies and goes to Heaven. In Heaven, the zebra gets an idea. "I will go ask God!" So, he asks God, and God chuckles. "You are what you are!"
The zebra gets sad. He walks around and his dead zebra friend shows up. He asks, "What is wrong?" The zebra answers, "Well, I asked God if I was either a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes. He just replied 'You are what you are!'"
His friend says, "Oh! You are a white horse with black stripes! Why? Because he would have said 'You is what you is!'"
One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"
God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.
Yo mama so slow, she took nine months to make the joke. Thank god mine only took 6.
Hey guys! Want to know something cool? Google Jesus' language. It's Aramaic.
Next, google "God in Aramaic". See the results for yourself. <3
My fucking balls hurt so god damn bad, oh my god!
I think God is cool with abortion.
After all, he did kill his only son.
Men and women are not equal, speaking biologically and mentally. I don't care what other feminists say. Men are naturally physically stronger, while women are more mentally stable (sometimes). The internet and the media will lie. You feminists say that you are stronger. Well, you wish. You can't hit a girl because she is more sensitive, but she says she is stronger. Like, what the hell?
We're not sexist men; you're sexist women. And BTW, you'll rot in hell for hating God's creation. And also, men were created before women. Search it up in the Bible or online.
Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"
Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"
God says, "You are what you are."
Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."
