Me: Mom, I'm tired.
Mom: "Then go to sleep."
Me: No, you don't understand-
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
A man went to the library and asked for a book about suicide. The librarian said, "Go away, you won’t bring it back."
People were talking and asking what's the worst day of the year for them.
Person 1: "The first day of school because I don't like going to school."
Person 2: "Valentine's day because it's too lovey."
Me: "Oh nice, mine is my birthday because it's when I was born."
Woman: "Doctor, where are we going?"
Doctor: "To the morgue."
Woman: "I'm not dead yet, doctor."
Doctor: "We're not at the morgue yet, either."
If you die a virgin, then where does your v-card go? Does it go with you to the grave, or does your mortician take it from you?
My future is so bright, I need a flashlight to see where I'm going.
Where did Sally go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
You tell an orphan joke to an orphan. You start laughing, they start crying. They say they are going to tell their mom. Then you start laughing harder.
Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?
To see who's hanging around.
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
Kid: "Hey dad, what's dark humor?"
Dad: "Go walk up to that homeless guy and throw a rock at him."
Kid: "But dad, I don't have any legs or arms."
Dad: "Exactly, son."
When Bubba's condom broke, he spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering if he was going to be an uncle or a dad.
You're like a cloud. When you go away, it's a beautiful day.
I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.
How many times does 43 go into 8?
Get in the van and find out.
April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."
My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.
My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.
