I got my little girl a hand sewing kit for her birthday and she cried. I didn't understand why until I realized that she had no hands to sew with.
Gift Jokes
What is worse to have - a dead baby or a dead Santa Claus?
Santa. You need extra freezers for reindeer.
What did Sally get for Easter?..
Nail polish.
I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident?
An amputation.
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
Why was Stephen Hawking disappointed when he got his Christmas present? It was singing lessons.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
What did the girl get for Christmas?
Cancer.
Me: Happy birthday! I got you a Rubix cube! Friend: I hate you. Me: Why? Friend: I'm color blind.
What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?
A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.
My friend gave me sugar for my birthday. She thought it was cheap; I thought it was pretty sweet.
What did Sally get for Christmas? Ligma?
"I bought my little sister a trampoline for her birthday, but all she wants to do is sit in her wheelchair and cry."
Did you know what my grandpa wanted for Christmas? A new ass because his one has a crack on it.
A little boy was given a bicycle and a soccer ball for his birthday, but why was the little boy unhappy?
Because the little boy had no legs.
Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.
The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"
Q. What did Hitler give his niece for her birthday?
A. An easy bake oven.
