Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store."
Man: "You look like a dream." Woman: "Go back to sleep."
Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Yes, I want you to leave."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter. -OR- Stop."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?" Woman: "I hate you."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
What did Sally get for her 18th birthday? A brick.
Why did she get a brick? She hit 18.
Why does Santa have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
My mom gave me a box of chocolates, and she said life is like a box of chocolates, but then it kind of tastes like dog shit.
What do you give a armless kid for Christmas?
Nothing because they can't open the gift.
So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.
What did the orphan get for Christmas?
Lego figures from his friend, but they ran away too.
I hate my birthday. For my first birthday my mom gave me my life. I liked it when it was new and fun. Now it's broken and sad and I wanna take it back.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
My wife wanted a present that could go from zero to 80 very quickly.
So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.
What did Stephen Hawking get for his B-Day?
Chocolate arm.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves!
Just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Kid: Dad, I want Santa to give me an iPhone.
Indian poor dad: Son, Santa is deaf.
Kid: No, he is not. I saw him on TV yesterday.
Indian poor dad: Oh, actually, I asked him for a new wife. Maybe he is wearing AirPods.
Kid: You are my Santa, daddy.
Indian poor dad: Pull down your pants, son.
Kid: It's not an Apple product.
Indian poor dad: It's a banana.
Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!
Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!
Will: Yey!
Beverly: What should we bring him?
Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!
What did the deaf, blind, mute, and paralyzed baby get for Christmas?
AIDS.
Guess what Sally got for Christmas? Gloves! Jk, she still hasn't opened it.
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
