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The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

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How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all. Heck, cheer on the rapist, or join in the fun.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

What is something feminists crave but will never get? Semen.

Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

In some places in the world, you can't get an abortion even after rape. That's so fucked up.

You serve your time, you get out, and you STILL have to pay child support. What a nightmare.

The teacher asked the class what sound does a cow make? "Mooo," said Sally. "Good job," said the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baa," said Jack. "Good, now what sound does a pig make?" Little Johnny raised his hand really high in the sky. The teacher called on him. He said, "The pig says, 'Get on the ground and put your hands on your head, you black motherfucker.'"