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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

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How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all. Heck, cheer on the rapist, or join in the fun.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

What is something feminists crave but will never get? Semen.

How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!

Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.

Bill gets home from work late again, and Susan is angry. She hollers at Bill, "I AM FURIOUS. When I go outside tomorrow, there better be something that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds!" Bill says, "Ok." The next morning there is a box outside! Susan opens it. It's a scale! Bill hasn't been seen since October 2, 2002.

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”