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Why did Michael Jackson get away with it? Because he's a smooth criminal.
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
How to get quick cash:
Step 1: Kill a child's parents.
Step 2: Do foster care for them.
Step 3: Get paid for doing foster care.
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
I was going to make a chemistry joke. But it looks like I won’t get a reaction :)
James: I have a joke. Sex!
Ronny: I don't get it.
James: Exactly.
What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!
A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.
The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
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A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all. Heck, cheer on the rapist, or join in the fun.
How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."