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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.

Why can't homosexuals get car insurance?

They've been rear-ended too many times.

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How do you get a dishwasher to shovel snow? Give the bitch a shovel.

If you see a woman get raped, don't bother helping. They're independent women, after all. Heck, cheer on the rapist, or join in the fun.

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

What is something feminists crave but will never get? Semen.

How do you get Wacko Jacko to come inside your shop? Have little boys' pants half off!

Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

My mom said to take out the trash bags, so I did. And the next day, my mom asked, "Where are your sisters?" I said, "In line to get crushed."

My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

Twinkle, twinkle little star. I hope I'll get hit by a car. I am not dead yet, I hope I'll die. I hope I'll be born to a new whole life.

How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.