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Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
How do you fit a baby in a bowl? ... A blender... and how do you get it out?
Tortilla chips.
What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?
Because it can't hit home.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.
If this post gets 200 likes or comments, I will show up in a MrBeast video.
What starts with the letter M, ends with -arriage and is a man's favorite thing? Miscarriage. That joke never gets old, just like the baby.
How many feminists does it take to fix a lightbulb?
9: one to screw the lightbulb, one to film it, one to post about it on a women empowerment social media page, one to complain that the man didn’t screw the lightbulb, one to say that women deserve to screw more lightbulbs, one to try to get #womenlightbulbscrewers trending on Twitter, one to bring a man and show him the screwing, one to say that women are better than men at screwing lightbulbs, and one to make a speech about the lightbulb.
A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.
"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.
"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."
The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"
She said, "Not everybody paid."
Dark humor is like cancer; it's funnier when kids get it.
I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.
You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
What's the best part about dead baby jokes?
They never get old.
Where does an orphan come from?
Daddy getting milk.
You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.
It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.