Get jokes
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
Why don't orphans get offended by dark humor?
Because it can't hit home.
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple? Apples get picked.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
Why did the depressed kid cross the road?
To get hit by a car.
How do you fit a baby in a bowl? ... A blender... and how do you get it out?
Tortilla chips.
See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.
So the other day, I saw a child in a wheelchair.
He was getting bullied a lot, so I came up and said, "Why don't you stand up to those bullies?"
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
Trump and Biden didn’t get the memo.
Why did the basketball player not get on the bus?
Because he couldn’t be caught travelling! 😂
What does a bridge and a fat chick have in common They both get laid by Mexicans
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter? He was shredding the floor...
What time is it when you can drive a house? Time to get a wheelchair.
What's the difference between a blonde and a car door? The harder you slam the blonde, the looser it gets.
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
Dad: Hey son, wanna hear a joke?
Son: Sure thing, dad!
Dad: Your mother and I are getting a divorce. She found out that I was sleeping with the neighbor's dog!
Son: I don't get the joke, dad.
Dad: It's my life, son! My life is the joke.
What’s a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.