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A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

Dark humor is like cancer; it's funnier when kids get it.

I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

Is sex a joke? Because I don't get it.

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

How do you get a clown to stop smiling?

You shoot him in the face.

One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."

Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.

What's the best part about dead baby jokes?

They never get old.

How do you get away with rape? Identify as transgender. Women can never be accused of rape, obviously

Where does an orphan come from?

Daddy getting milk.

A block of gold walked into a bar. The bartender said, “AU, get out!”

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

It's embarrassing when there is no toilet paper and you need to go and get one with your pants down. Luckily, the supermarket is just around the corner.

Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."

I named my dog Syndrome, so when he sits on my couch I say, “Get down, Syndrome!”

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

How do fish get to school?

By the octobus.

Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

Logan Paul left him hanging.