Get Jokes

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"

She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"

"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."

Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman, slightly annoyed, gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

Stephen Hawking isn't dead, he's just can't walk to the shop and get new batteries. 🙄

Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain. "Quick, let's swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!"

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.

Cannibal eats missionary, gets a taste for religion.

How did Stephen Hawking get up the stairway to heaven?

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

Abortion is a really touchy subject for me. On one hand, there's dead babies! But on the other hand, women get a choice.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where'd you get that lovely thing?"

"Africa," the parrot replied.

What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.

What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."

I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"

What’s the best way to get a baby out of a blender? Tortilla Chips.

I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Why can't all guys be more like Kenny? He doesn't get all upset when his mom isn't in the mood.