What do Colorado and Saudi Arabia have in common?
It's legal to get stoned.
So, I was getting on a plane, and the pilot does his usual speech talking about altitude and what not with the microphone, and he forgets to turn it off, so after the speech I heard him and the co-pilot talking about what they were doing after work, and whatnot.
Then the pilot said he was dying for a blowjob and a coffee, so a stewardess ran to the pilots cabin, and then left about 15 minutes later, and the pilot shouted "Next time don't forget the coffee!"
In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.
Mother, “Johnny, if you keep being this naughty, you’ll get kids who will be very naughty to you!”
Johnny, “Oh mom, you just betrayed yourself there, didn’t you?”
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
Two skeleton brothers are talking.
1st bro: "Hey, get up! You and do some exercise! You are so heavy, you weigh a ton!"
2nd bro: "A skele-TON :)"
Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
James: I have a joke. Sex!
Ronny: I don't get it.
James: Exactly.
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.
"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."
The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
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How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.
Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So, she gets a divorce.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
My ex still misses me... But her aim is getting better every time!
Why did the orphan sleep outside? ... Because he gets to wake up to Mother Nature.
Dark humor is like cancer, it's even funnier when children get it.
