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A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"

Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.

Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some water. Jill pulled up her dress and said, "Daddy, fuck me harder."

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest.

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd-shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"

Why did the man say chickens were lucky?

Because they get killed and eaten.

Dark humor is just like water,

some people get it, some people don't.

A kid gets home from school and finds his mom and dad having sex. The kid asks, "What are you doing, Dad?" The dad replies, "Having sex with your mom, son," and he starts laughing.

The next day, Dad gets home from work and finds his son having sex with his nan. The dad shouts, "What the hell are you doing, son?" The kid replies, "It's not funny when it's your mom, is it?"

So, a woman gives birth to a child, and the doctor grabs it by the leg and holds it upside down. Then, he starts swinging it around the room, slamming it into the furniture. The mother tries to get up and starts screaming and crying, “Let my baby go, you sick bastard!” The doctor looks at the mother and stops swinging the baby. He is holding it by the left leg and starts chuckling, “I’m just kidding, it was already dead.”

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill? To get to the bottom!

Why does 9/11 only get a day, but Pride gets an entire month?

Because pride is a bigger tragedy.

Sometimes, stairs get me down.

"Oh, waiter! Waiter!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you have frog's legs?"

"Why, yes."

"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"

What's the best thing about an abortion joke??

No one gets offended.

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.

On a scale of Johnny Depp having an erectile dysfunction to Michael Jackson exposing himself in a child day care center, how hard is it to get into Oxford?

Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.

If a heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from another heterosexual man at a glory hole, it's called a "brojob", but if a homophobic heterosexual man gets anonymous oral sex from a gay man at a glory hole, it's still called a "brojob". Does it cycle now?

Many years of sex in the dark.

The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"

The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"