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My life is a lot like a game of Black Jack.

I always hit on 16, then get busted.

Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.

When the school shooter gets killed and everyone is cheering, but you walk toward his gun; "I will finish what you started."

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."

Why do emos get discounts at every shop? Because they have barcodes on their wrists.

If you ever get mad, just hit an orphan.

What are they gonna do, tell their parents?

Today in 3rd grade English, the teacher asked the kids a question, "What turns on when you take your clothes off?"

Little Elsa blushed and screamed, "You can't ask that!"

The English teacher repeats the question and Elsa screams, "I'll tell my parents on you and get you fired!"

Finally, Little Tim raises his hand, "The shower, ma'am."

The English teacher clapped her hands, "Good job, Tim, and as for you Elsa, you do not have the body for that."

What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late?

A cold shoulder.

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

JFK: Are you a bullet? Because I can't get you out of my head.

What do you call an LGBTQ person getting grilled? LGBBQ.

The Good Old Days.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Dad: We are giving your toys to the orphanage.

Kid: Why?

Dad: So you won't get bored.

A guy was in one of the Twin Towers and he ordered pepperoni pizza, but he didn't get it. He got a plane instead.

What does Michael Jackson get high on? A little crack.

Why does an orphan always get out in baseball?

Because he can't run home.

I told my mom to get rope for a project, and when she got home, I got the good old coat hanger out and hung myself up.

You are getting Cole for Christmas, you shit fuckers.