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What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Apples get picked.

Yo mama so fat, she had to get baptized in the ocean.

If we can't say "God" in vain, why does He get to?

Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?

To get the ice cream for the grandma.

What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, they haven't got family.

What's the difference between an orphan and a flower?

The flowers actually get picked.

Why do emo people go to the store with no money?

Because they just scan their bar code and get everything free.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

"Get off your computer, Jessie Jex."

Why did the orphan play Monopoly? To at least get some money. #fake

Dark humor is like pussy: whining bitches don't get it.

How to make an orphan's feet bleed? Make them run in place until their parents get them.

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

This ole boy picked up this hooker and was getting some head driving down the road, and she started gagging on it a little, and he said, "Oh yeah baby, you like that big dick, don't ya?" and she said, "Oh baby, it's not that, ya asshole stinks!"

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

Why do candles like birthdays?

Because they can get lit!

What's the difference between a dog and an orphan? The dog gets picked.

Why can't orphans ever get a car? Because they don't have a birth certificate.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because there's no home.

What is the difference between an apple tray and an orphan? The apples get picked.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to your mom's house.

Knock knock.

You: Who's there?

Your new father!