Get jokes
Why did Vladimir Putin get bad grades? -- Because he was Russian.
What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.
Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.
Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!
What do you call an alligator that can't get hard? A reptile dysfunction.
House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.
How do you get a Koala to fall asleep?
Sing a koala-by.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
Can I watch you?
Yes, you can watch me your watch.
No, I mean can I WATCH you?
I don't get it. 😑 *facepalm*.
OOOOOOH YOU MEAN WATCH WITH YOUR EYES! YES!
I walked up to a man, and he said, "How's the weather up there?" and then I pushed him into the street to get hit by a bus.
What name do you get if you mix the names Chris and Marisa?
Then you get the name Chrisa.
What do you get if you add "ER" onto Hamburg?
Hamburg-ER.
What is an orphan's least favorite holiday?
Christmas, they wish they'd get parents.
What do women and dog turds have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
What's the quickest way to get to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What do my dad and Nemo have in common? They both can't be found.
What do you do after raping a deaf person? Cut their fingers off so they don't tell anyone.
MORE JOKES COMING SOON LMAO ;]
Why is it hard to break up with a Japanese girl?
Because you have to drop the bomb twice for her to get it.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
How do you get chewing gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
No matter how lonely you get, you have Explain Bear.
Explain Bear is always there for you.
I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.
Where would Batman get his freak on at? The Batcave or the bat strip club?