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Q: Why did Bill Cosby get away with it?

A: Because the women were all Cosby-ing for it!

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can never get a home run.

What did one orphan say to another orphan?

"Get in the Batmobile, Robin!"

Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep?

Me: I have depression, what do you think?!

My son caught me masturbating the other day and was like, "Dad, what are you doing?" I said, "Don't worry, you'll be doing it soon." He said, "Why is that?" I told him, "My arm is getting tired."

Why are Palestinian boys so eager to grow a beard?

So they can use their mum's ID to get in the club.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Pick it up and suck its dick.

I might not be able to make my bed, but at least I can get out of it.

Subway trying to commemorate 9/11: CRASH INTO SUBWAY THIS SUBTEMBER 11TH TO GET 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR ONLY $9.11, THAT'S 2 FOOTLONG SUBS FOR $9.11 AND WATCH THEM FALL... INTO YOUR MOUTH!

Dark humor is like water; not everyone gets it.

What is the difference between apples and orphans?

The apples get picked.

I wanted to tell a commie a joke about food, but he’d have to wait 10 years to get it.

What do hookers and porn stars have in common? They get paid for sex and get STD's.

Q: What's the difference between an apple tree and an orphan?

A: Apples get picked! 😱

How is sex like air?

It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

Why did the Drill Sergeant get in trouble?

He got caught playing with his Privates!

Why did the dumb blonde pee inside the condom?

Because the doctor told the dumb blonde that the dumb blonde was going to get a urine test!

What's the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.