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A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared."
The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone!"
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
Imagine you are getting eaten by an alligator. What do you do?
Stop imagining!
Why did the sun go to school? To get brighter!
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!
on god
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
An apple gets picked.
How do you get the depressed kid out of the tree? You cut the rope.
What happens to chickens that get kidnapped by rapists?
They get choked.
What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss.
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side!
What’s the difference between a barcode and Rachel Sutherland’s wrist?
Nothing, they both get scanned for a fresh new pack of razor blades.
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Get in the van, or I'll kill you.
What do you get when you cross a pedophile and an elementary school? Predator 3.
Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.