I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
My ex-wife still misses me...
BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!
What's the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
I made a website for orphans, but sadly it didn't have a home page.
My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
What is a reversed exorcism?
It's when it's the demon who's telling the priest to get out of the child's body.
Why don't orphans like to get lost?
Because somebody's going to ask where their parents are.
Your forehead is so big it gets home before you do.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.
Where do cows get their medicine?
At the farmacy.
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, “Hey mister, it’s getting really dark and I’m scared.” The man replies, “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”
What do pedophiles and Xboxes have in common?
They both get turned on by kids.
What did the fish get on his math test?
A sea plus.
One day the teacher said, "There are 3 birds on a wire, a shooter shoots one. How many are left?" The teacher calls on lil Johnny. "None," the teacher said, "no but try again." Lil Johnny says, "None, because if you shoot one the rest get scared and leave." The teacher said, "Not quite, but I like the way you think."
Lil Johnny then says, "Alright teacher, I have one for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench, one's sucking it, the other is licking it, and the last one is biting it. Which one is married?" The teacher then says, "The one sucking it, of course!" Lil Johnny then says, "No, the one with the ring, but I like the way you think!"
So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"
I asked an emo, "Do they get jealous when their phone dies?"
How do computers get drunk?
They take a screenshot.
