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Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Why couldn't she get up?

She had no friends.

Knock Knock (Who's there?)

Not Sally...

what do you call it when you get married in Panera Bread?

Panera Wed.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broom.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.

"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.

"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head.

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.

"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."

Why did little sally fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms.

What did sally get for Christmas?

Gloves! Only joking...she still hasn’t opened the box.

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligator's mouth, and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink, he asks if anyone else would like a go.

A lady gets up and says yes, she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Amber Heard's Morning Routine

Wake Up. Eat Breakfast. Take a Shit. Get Out of Bed.

What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?

A cock sucker.

You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.

What does a rock and a girl have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

Q: What's the best part about gardening?

A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

Why was I stress eating on the train track?

To wait to get hit.

I keep getting these letters from this little girl every year on Father's Day. I told the orphanage to stop letting her send these.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My ex-wife still misses me...

BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER!