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Why did Vladimir Putin get bad grades? -- Because he was Russian.

A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.

When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.

"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.

Why did Zayn Malik get his girlfriend to convert to Islam? So she can declare GiGIHADid.

A child asks his father, "How do you get pink eye?"

Son, I was told it’s from scratching your butt, then rubbing your eyes.

Then the son asks, "How did I get Fungi?" As the father was about to answer, the boy says, "Ohh, so is it from scratching my stinky feet, then rubbing my eye?" ———-Fungeye

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer. It never gets old.

"Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."

Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

Orphans can't call their parents if they get hurt! Sorry.🩹

What do an acting role and playing sports have in common?

If you break a leg, you get cast.

How did the chicken get to the other side? He crossed the road and didn't make it.

Fortnite is just like high school. You get off the bus and start shooting everybody.

Morbid jokes are just like girlfriends. Not everyone gets it.

Yo mama so fat, when she was wearing black by a bank which was getting robbed, they thought, "AHH SWAT!"

I get so many things stuck in my head, though, unfortunately none of them were a bullet.

I always ask gay people what LGBTQ means, but I never get a straight answer.

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

If I don't get a bf by the end of this month, Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging from the roof.

What’s the bravest thing a man can do?

Say, “I’m going to get milk!” to his wife and kids.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf....ftysrrtfgbjysou34w45pjr578v

Why did mommy disappear? The dad: Well, when she crossed the road to get to the chicken, she only made it halfway.