Get jokes

You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time your friends have a group picture.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

Kid: How much do you get paid?

Teacher: Minimum wage.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

Why do orphans never play baseball?

'Cause they can never get a home run.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

Q: Why did the Queer get fired from the sperm bank?

A: He got caught drinking on the job.

Tonight I'll be eating freshly grown pork cutlets with a fresh juicy amount of Poké Balls.

Do you get what I am trying to poke out?

A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.

The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.

What do you get when an American talks to an Aussie and a Kiwi?

Two Aussie.

My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."

Get it? I read? No... ok.

Hello, Brudas, my name Badabeeyeabolamazoqanba. I, forty-eight-year man from Somalia. Sorry for bad England. I sold my wife for internet connect, and I am level thirteen in Roblacks. If you want to get batter in Roblacks, contact me at Gmail@borakoobama. Send me your bank account information and password. Than I well give you all the cotton you desire. Sorry for bad spelling. I kindergarden dropout.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the knucklehead's house...

Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

What does a paedophile say when he gets to heaven?

A: Where's the holy baby?

So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.

On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"

Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.

On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.

On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"

Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"

Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"

So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.

How many thumbs down can this joke get?

Joke: Runescape, mustard, tits, Pamela Anderson.

Why did little sally fall off the swings?

Because she had no arms.

What did sally get for Christmas?

Gloves! Only joking...she still hasn’t opened the box.