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What's the difference between you and eggs? Eggs get laid.
Get a fucking life, you horny bastards!
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
Why do science jokes usually get no reaction?
Because they're so boron!
When midgets smoke weed, do they get high or do they get medium?
What falls and never gets hurt? Rain ☔
An old lady walks into an ice cream store. A clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today, ma'am? We have every flavor you can imagine." The old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream." The clerk says, "Sorry, ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have." "Ok," she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream?" The clerk says a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry, ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream." The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?"
Finally, totally exasperated, the clerk says, "Wait a minute, lady. Can you spell 'Van' as in vanilla?" "Why of course, young man," she says, "V-A-N." "Right," the clerk says, "Can you spell 'Straw' as in strawberry?" "Well of course, 'Straw'," she replied. "Ok, then," he says, "Now spell 'Fuck' as in chocolate." She says, "There's no 'Fuck' in chocolate." He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!"
Hi 👋 I have some good ideas 💡. It was the best game I had to get in my...
A young woman goes for her first gynecological exam, and the nurse has her take off her clothes, put on a gown, and get in the stirrups. She tells her the doctor will be in in a minute.
The doctor comes in and tells the young lady that she has one of the most beautiful vaginas he’s ever seen, and he has seen a lot of them. She thanks him for the compliment. He tells her he is about to start the examination, but he is going to have to numb her first, when she says ok, he goes:
"Num num num num num!"
Hi, I did not get your text. I texted you when I texted you. You are not [responding].
Q: Why did the orphan get an iPhone X for their birthday?
A: 'Cause it don't have a home button.
If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence.
What falls but never gets hurt? Snow.
Why do nuns go around in pairs?
So one nun makes sure the other nun doesn't get none!
What do orphans do when they get a phone? They press the home button.
What time is it when a rooster sits on a fence? Morning.
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence? Time to get a new fence.
What time is it when a lawyer sits on the fence? Time for an elephant to sit on the fence.
I got a job as a pencil sharpener. I would tell you about it, but you wouldn't get the point.
You better get used to having dry cereal cuz your dad ain't never bringing the milk back.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
Why can't antelopes get married?
Because they can't elope.