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One night when I was six, I had this super annoying accent, and when I said the number "six," Oh no... One night my Catholic priest asked me how many cookies I needed for my family. I told him six, but thanks to my accent being mixed with many others including Scottish, French, and Russian, it sounded like I said "I need to have sex." He looked at me strange then pulled me into a closet, being a pedo.

When Momma asked me why I was missing for 6 hours, I told her, "I went to get the cookies like you told me to, and father raped the Christianity out of me." The angry look she gave my father was amazing. Then with my Papa, she beat the hell outta him.

Serves him right.

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    • When you donate a kidney, you are a total hero, everyone loves you.

    When you donate five kidneys though, people start yelling, the police gets called--sheesh!

    Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?

    Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.

    Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.

    Teacher: He did not.

    Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.

    Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.

    Suzy: Then you can ask him.

    What music scares balloons?

    Pop music.

    Why would the banana scream "ouch?"

    Because it is getting peeled.

    Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.

    Friend: What kind?

    Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.

    Friend: That's not funny..

    Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.

    Friend: I'm calling your mom.

    Me: She knows.

    Friend: What's she doing to help, then?

    Me: She's supposed to help?

    Friend: Have you told your dad?

    Me: I will when he comes back.

    Friend: Where is he?

    Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.

    Friend: ....

    Me: What?

    Friend: Why?

    Me: Why what?

    Friend: Why would you joke like that?

    Me: I was joking..

    Friend: I know.

    Me: Oh. I didn't know.

    Friend:...

    Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...

    Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?

    Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted. Me and my dad were going out and walk home and walk walk home from school and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home, and I will get back with him tomorrow morning.

    "Tibia" honestly, I think the reason I’m "bonely" is because you guys don’t find my jokes "humerus."

    Maybe if I played the trombone it would get people’s attention, but "tibia" honest I can’t be bothered, so just look at my "BONE-zai" tree, although my brother doesn’t really like that one, so how about a "S-pine" tree?

    How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

    A man once went to a doctor because his leg was turning blue.

    The doctor said that his leg had to be amputated as it was getting poisonous.

    The man then got plastic prosthetics.

    Next day even the prosthetics started turning blue.

    After much examination, the doctor found that the patient's pants were shedding color.

    Why are mountains 🏔 so funny? Because they’re hill areas, do you get it? They are hill areas, like a mountain is a hill area. It sounds like hilarious, so you get it.

    Boy: Crap, I hit a deer.

    Girl: Awe... I guess it’s not so much of a dear.

    Boy: ...

    Boy: Get the hell out!

    What do me and a casino machine have in common? It takes about 50 pumps to get to the jackpot.