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Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂

Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.

Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.

I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

A young boy was talking to his friend about his family:

"My great-grandfather fought against Napoleon, my grandfather fought against the English, my father fought against the Americans, and my uncle against the Argentinians."

The friend replied: "It seems that your family can't get along with anybody!"

A young boy was talking to his friend about his family:

"My great-grandfather fought against Napoleon, my grandfather fought against the English, my father fought against the Americans, and my uncle against the Argentinians."

The friend replied: "It seems that your family can't get along with anybody!"

So, Little Johnny comes home from school knowing damn well he messed up his math test. His mother and father get home and he tells them, "Mom, I failed my math test." His mother aggressively says, "Get the belt!" Johnny says, "Why?" His mother says, "I'm gonna spank you for failing!" Johnny says, "So just like daddy?" His father turns red knowing what they did last night.

  • 2

    • People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

    And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

    People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

    And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"

    What's the difference between puppies and orphans?

    The puppies actually get adopted.

    Denki: Hey, Mineta, I have a joke for you.

    Mineta: Go on.

    Denki: Uraraka's booty.

    Mineta: I don't get it.

    Denki: Exactly.

    Mineta: ^cries T_T^

    Denki: Hey Mineta, I have a joke.

    Mineta: ...go on...

    Denki: Ochako's booty.

    Mineta: I don't get it?

    Denki: Exactly.

    Mineta: *cries T_T*

    Best friend: Let’s get tattoos of our parents.

    Orphan: I don’t have parents.

    A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a Scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about, making a horrible sound. The bartender says, "Hey, looks like he can't play that!" and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

  • 5

    • What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

    Well, at least one gets picked.

    At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."

    Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

    Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

    Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"