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What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One gets picked, and the other doesn’t.

Your sister is so stupid, when she saw Mountain Dew, she went to the top of a mountain to get it.

She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, and we're both getting sent home from school because it's distracting to boys, apparently.

Boss: You're fired.

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You're a waiter. Where did you get those?

What's the difference between white people and Africans?.... The white people get water.

Me: Dark humor jokes are like a mother's love.

Orphan: How come?

Me: You wouldn't get it.

Orphan: . . . .

Alex: Dad, can we get me a little brother from the orphanage?

Dad: Sure, Alex!

Dad: We're here!

Orphanage manager: Alex! You are so big now!

Alex: Dad, what is she talking about?!

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

An investigator!

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.