German jokes
What do you call German weed?
Mustard Gas.
Question: How bad is German WiFi?
Answer: It's the wurst.
Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map of North America.
"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
"Where is Germany again, Father?"
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."
"Yes?"
"Has Hitler seen this map?"
I don't say funny stuff because I'm afraid they will take the German passport from me.
How do you say "Brazier" in German?
Stop 'em from floppin' (German accent)
My friend group is pretty diverse. I'm Japanese, one friend is Filipino, one is American, one is Italian, and the last one is German.
Out of everyone in the friend group, the Filipino and the American were the quickest to feel uncomfortable when I asked, "Who wants to go on a march with me?"
A guy tried to suffocate himself with his BMW exhaust, but his engine failed.
This is the first time German engineering fails to gas someone.
When a clock goes forward, it's tic-tac, but when Rommel goes backwards, it's tactic!
My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.
What do you get when you cross a German and a Mexican? A “BeanerSchnitzel”!
What’s the German word for BRA? Keep two from floppin'.
Why is the Champs d'Elysees in Paris lined with trees?
Because German soldiers like marching in the shade!
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.
Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting "9"!
That’s the best I’ve done so far.
My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.
Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.
You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."
...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"
I dated a German girl, it was very annoying when she kept on screaming her age and moaning.
What did the German Shepherd dog say to Hitler?
"Mein Führer ist steckenbleiben in meinen Zähnen."
Why are Germans so good at cleaning?
They have experience in ethnic cleansing.
What do you call a German lesbian?
A krautmuncher.