Last night I remember partying with friends to find blood on my nightstand.
Moments after, I scolded my friends to put my alarm clock back where they found it.
I like my kids like I like my lamps.
Hung from the ceiling.
Q: Get up for a chair joke!
A: Oh, never mind, you can sit down.
once i ate a table... it was food consuming
Yo mama so fat that when she sat on the couch, the couch got destroyed.
Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a table, and chairs.
Why do tables never need wheelchairs?
Because even without the ‘t’ they are still able.
How do you make a hotdog stand? You take away its chair.
What do you call a chair that smokes weed?
A high chair.
Your mumma so fat she takes up 4 seats of the sofa.
3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.
The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂
Why did the pillow cross the road?
To get to a mattress store!
What’s a cow’s favorite piece of furniture?
The cowch (couch).
Why did the grandmother put wheels on her rocking chair?
... she likes to rock and roll lol.
How do you confuse Helen Keller? You rearrange the furniture and glue doorknobs to the walls.
Little Johnny is walking around and peaks in his parents' room, catching them having sex, so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! We’re just uh, making cake,” and they send him away.
So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother’s room, so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother’s girlfriend having sex and then asks him “What are you guys doing?” and his brother yells “Get out! We're making cake!”
So Johnny leaves and goes to his room. The next day the whole family is at the dinner table and Little Johnny turns to his sister and says “So, you and your boyfriend were making cake last night huh!” and she replies “OMG! How'd you know!?!?” and Johnny replies “Because, I licked the icing off the couch” ayyyyyy.
What did the pillow say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet!
Why couldn't the button get off the couch?
Because his butt weighed a ton! (butt-ton)
One time I ate a chair.
What do you call a chair with a hat?
I don't know; the real question is, why was the chair wearing a hat?
