Funeral jokes
I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.
Did you hear about the man who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn't close the casket.
Do you know Stephen is dead? He doesn't have a stone. Do you know how to find him? A metal detector.
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
There's something special about cemeteries.
People are dying to get inside.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
Q: Why is the graveyard so noisy? A: Because all the coffin.
If you don't get it, it means because of people coughing.
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
Why do we call them dead bodies? Nobody says "alive bodies!" Like you walk into your workplace, "OMFG IT'S FULL OF BODIES! Alive ones, though." You wouldn't give birth and say, "Come on, husband, help me with the bodies." If it's a surprise party, you wouldn't say, "QUICK, HIDE THE BODIES!" And the person who the party was for wouldn't say "OH MY GOD WHY ARE THEY DEAD!"
Where would you take Stephen Hawking if he dies, the funeral directors or PC World?
What did they do with his body when he died?
They made him into Lego so kids can play with him for once.
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
Haha, dead.
I got caught fucking a dead body by my family. RIP grandma.
He’s not dead, just his storage unit.
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
A French, a German, and an Italian make a race to see who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, and after a quarter of an hour, comes out.
Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally, the Italian enters and comes out after five hours.
The French: "But how did you do it?"
The Italian: "I killed one."
The German: "So what?"
The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.