Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.
Why did the man miss the funeral?
He wasn’t a mourning person.
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
There's something special about cemeteries.
People are dying to get inside.
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.
I got caught fucking a dead body by my family. RIP grandma.
Q: Why is the graveyard so noisy? A: Because all the coffin.
If you don't get it, it means because of people coughing.
Where would you take Stephen Hawking if he dies, the funeral directors or PC World?
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
Haha, dead.
What did they do with his body when he died?
They made him into Lego so kids can play with him for once.
He’s not dead, just his storage unit.
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
A French, a German, and an Italian make a race to see who resists the most in a room full of flies. The French starts, and after a quarter of an hour, comes out.
Then goes the German, who comes out after an hour. Finally, the Italian enters and comes out after five hours.
The French: "But how did you do it?"
The Italian: "I killed one."
The German: "So what?"
The Italian: "And then they were all busy for the funeral!"
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!
Damn! Really stole my friend's glasses. Well, now they're blind, but not really, they're dead.
My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.
That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
Everyone at the Queen's funeral:
Me and the boys getting her reboot card.
