Funeral

Funeral jokes

Grandmother

  • Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

    Grandma

  • Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.

    But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...

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  • EpiPen

  • My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

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  • Name

  • Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.

    Student: My name is Buttitches.

    Teacher: Please tell us your real name.

    Student: Buttitches.

    Teacher: I’m calling the police.

    Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.

    Student: Buttitches.

    Police: *shoots gun.*

    A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."

    Casket

  • Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!

    Friend

  • Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.

    Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."

    Gravestone

  • I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.

    Son: Where's grandma?

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  • Graveyard

  • Q: Why is the graveyard so noisy? A: Because all the coffin.

    If you don't get it, it means because of people coughing.

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  • Drunkard

  • When a military person dies, we shoot all night. When a drunkard dies, we drink all night. When a Christian dies, we pray all night. What if a prostitute dies? What should we do? Please tell me.

    Baby

  • When your baby is stillborn and you have a funeral, what song should you never play?

    Alphaville - "Forever Young."

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