Funeral jokes
Teacher: We have a new student today class, come introduce yourself.
Student: My name is Buttitches.
Teacher: Please tell us your real name.
Student: Buttitches.
Teacher: I’m calling the police.
Police: Son, please tell me your real name or I’m going to shoot you.
Student: Buttitches.
Police: *shoots gun.*
A few days later, the police go to the funeral and sits behind the mom. While crying, the mom says, "My Buttitches!" The police say, "We’ll scratch it, lady."
#RIPBOZO
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”
The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"
Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?
He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.
Oh wait.
You fool!
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coughin'?"
Imagine when you are about to cry at the funeral, then your friend's phone rings.
Then he says, "I'll call you back, I'm still at the die."
I killed a homeless dude, now she's at the funeral home. 😭💔
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
My mate caught me sniffing his disabled sister's knickers the other day. It wouldn't have been so bad, but she was wearing them at the time. It made the rest of the funeral so awkward.
You're at a funeral. Your mum says be quiet, so you snigger at the body and say, "Bye forever, bitch."
So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
Say this when you answer a spam call...
"Hi, welcome to Bob's Taco Shack and Funeral Home, where yesterday's grief is today's beef."
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
I started a company making coffins. The slogan? 'We're dying to meet you.'