Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”
Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
Did you see the dyslexic kid try to write down “funeral?”
No? Shame, it was real fun.
What’s something you can say at the funeral but also in bed?
"Damn, that's really stiff!"
My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.
My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"
When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"
Imagine saying "my bad" instead of "sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
What song do you play at a emo kid's funeral?
House of Pain—"Jump Around."
ur mom gae
Why should you put an orphanage by a cemetery?
So they can always see their parents.
I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
When I die, I want to be shot out of a cannon.
And into a children's birthday party.
Where did Sally go after the gunshot?
6 feet under.
*That is how deep they put the coffin...*
Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
Theres something special about cemeteries People are dying to get inside
My uncle got really badly burned the other day.
They don't fuck around at the crematorium.
Did you know that if you die you can still be a part of family game night!
All you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass, and the games that use hour glasses, well, you will be a part of family game night.
Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.
I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.
