Funeral jokes
I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.
Son: Where's grandma?
The undertaker's famous saying is "Rest In Peace" to all of his opponents, but really they don't rest in peace. The only peace they get is from God.
I'm gonna eat a hell of a lot of popcorn kernels before I die just to make the cremation a little more interesting.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
My dad always wanted one last smoke before his death, so we smoked his ashes.
Where did Sally go after the gunshot?
6 feet under.
*That is how deep they put the coffin...*
My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?
The cemetery is so overcrowded.
People are just dying to get in.
How do you bury a prostitute?
In a Y-shaped coffin.
Did you hear about the young man who brought floral arrangements in the shape of a life jacket on his friend’s funeral who drowned last week?
Everyone was furious, but he explained, “It’s what he would have wanted.”
When Michael Jackson died, people melted him down into Lego pieces so that little kids could play with him instead.
What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?
A corpse, of course!
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
Why don’t coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
When I die I want to have a piece of paper near me giving a clue on how I died, like, "I want everyone to miss me except for this bullet," or, "You didn't hang with me but guess what did?"
Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."
At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."
What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson's funeral? Nothing.
My uncle died on 9/11. Her last words were "Allahu Akbar."
What's the difference between a normal person's funeral and a person with polio?
The pose!
When my family goes to weddings, my senior relatives tell me things like “You’re next!” So I started doing the same to them at funerals.