Friendship jokes

What did the orphan get for Christmas?

Lego figures from his friend, but they ran away too.

I was once friends with a schizophrenic emo. He tried high-fiving a tree, but it only left him hanging.

I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."

I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)

What's the Pixar movie close to being a pornstar? Toy Story... *I got a friend in me*

What do you call a grown up with your sister? Your best friend.

Yo hairline is so crooked it makes your gay best friend look straight.

Your friend walks up to you and shows you a picture of an overweight woman.

What would you rate this woman?

A 7.

Why?

Because 7 ate 9!

A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.

I: "Get a boomerang."

Type: "Why?"

Me: "Because for frisbee, you need friends."

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"

Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.

What did the salad say to pineapple?

"Lettuce be friends."

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland." When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests.

The painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

"But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" asks one of the guests.

"Lenin is in Poland," replies the painter.

To my best friend, my brother is like a spider. She chose to kill him straight away. That's why she is my friend, after all!

What does a piece of gum and a gun have in common?

You pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.

So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.

Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)

Frank: Yo

Fred: Hi...

Frank: U heard about de competition?

Fred: Yeah...

Frank: You wanna hang out?

Fred: .......

Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.

Fred: ...I(

Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.

Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.

Why did Steven Hawking have no friends?

He couldn’t stand anyone...

Who did the cow want to hang with?

The udders.

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-