A man looks at his friend and says, "If you and a friend go camping and you two get really drunk, and in the morning you wake up with a condom in your butt, would you tell anyone?" The friend says in a disgusted tone, "No." So the man says, "Okay, let's go camping."
I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.
Why does Sally hate herself? Because Sophie stole her boy.
Friends are like penguins.
If you stab a penguin, they die.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends? Bonely.
There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."
If you ever have a gay friend whose comatose tell his family he/she was a fruit now he/she's a vegetable at least there still in the produce section
Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.
My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
Hi, Charlie, is your friend?
Why did Sally fall out of the swing?
She had no arms.
Why couldn’t she get up?
Because she had no friends.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."
So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.
What did the salad say to pineapple?
"Lettuce be friends."
I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.
What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?
Chromozoned.
Why did the skeleton want a friend?
Because she was feeling bonely.
I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
