Friends jokes

You say to your slow friend: "Damn, you're slower than Stephen Hawking!" And that takes some talent.

Friends are like bananas. If you peel their skin off and eat them, they die.

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?

An American.

My friend who is in a wheelchair told me a joke, and I burst out laughing. I told him he should be a stand-up comedian.

My friend in a wheelchair tells a funny joke.

I resist the urge to say that he should become a stand-up comedian.

I went to ask my friend's mom if I could have a sleepover.

Then I remembered they did not have a mom or dad.

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

My friend said this to me: "Were you born on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen." :(

What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.

Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?

Two friends were walking in a forest. They started to fight.

A cannibal came and shouted, "Food fight!"

My friend's emo. I told her to play jump rope with me. She hanged herself. Lol.

Me: I call my girl Cinderella.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because she loves balls.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

Friend, you're bold and fat.

Me: Bro, go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. You will probably break it.

Me and 1/2 of my friends.

I tried kidnapping a kid today and told him I was his dad's friend and I would take him home. He just curled up into a ball and started crying. Kidnapping must be easy.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Me and my friends were having a party the other day when some bitch came bitching about the noise. Thankfully, she was hot and had a nice ass, so it was enjoyable raping her.

The next day when I woke up, I found her body only half eaten. Her lower body was still intact, so I went for seconds to fuck off the hangover. Then I had breakfast. Her ass tasted good with some ketchup.

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

Jane ate her friend’s sandwich.

Jane ate her friend’s colon.