Found jokes

A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:

Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”

What do my parents have in common with Nemo? They can't be found.

Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?

Yea, they found her “head and shoulders“ on the backseat of her car.

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

"Luck of the Irish my ass, I just blew a tranny and an engine in my truck both in the same week... Boy it really ruined my day when they found out about each other."

I was hunting at night for deer, and then I found one and shot it. I realized the deer I shot was actually my ex...

I found out how to gain millions of followers.

Run through Africa with a bottle of water.

I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Today I found out that my cat got hit by a car accident. Well, I guess I'm gonna play ninja fruits on my hands again. It's not like anyone will notice.

What did the hooker say when she found out the cash she was paid with for services rendered was counterfeit?

I've been raped!

We found out my grandpa is addicted to Viagra. No one is taking it harder than my dad.

Water was found on Mars.

Mars: 1 Africa: 0

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

It's horrible to make jokes about 9/11, but it's not funny when I found out my mate's mum jumped from the 21st floor.

Look, Bono is a great guy, but shopping with him is a pain, because he still hasn't found what he is looking for.

Found this girl in Hawaii.

Put a stick up her ass and she said, "Ayi."

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

Q: What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

A: HeHe.

A girl kept looking through the window whilst the boys got changed!

I, as a boy, was getting annoyed, so I found an interesting magazine in the corner. So, what did I do? Reload and fire!