Establishment jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders a cardigan and soke.

Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?

Because there’s a bartender in there.

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a drink and a mop.

“Huh, I wonder why he needs a mop?”

For centuries, Japan’s feudal dictators, called Shoguns, enforced strict laws that kept people from leaving or entering the country. This practice isolated Japan from the rest of the world. By the middle of the 19th century, Japan’s isolationism was creating problems for the United States’ whaling industry whose ships needed coal, food, and water available in Japanese ports. And sailors who were shipwrecked on the coast of Japan needed protection from mistreatment.

In November 1852, President Millard Fillmore sent an expedition to Japan to solve these problems. Led by Commodore Matthew C. Perry, the expedition had both steam-powered and sail-powered warships and several hundred men. Perry’s task was to persuade the Japanese to sign a treaty with the United States that would open Japanese ports and protect shipwrecked sailors. On July 8, 1853, the Perry expedition sailed into Edo Bay about thirty miles from the city of Edo (modern Tokyo).

During talks with the Shogun’s representatives, the idea of a treaty was repeatedly rejected. But Perry didn’t give up. Finally, in February 1854, the Japanese agreed to negotiate a treaty. The Treaty of Kanagawa established peace between the two countries, opened two ports to U.S. shipping, and protected shipwrecked sailors. It was signed on March 31, 1854.

Perry’s expedition also opened Japan to the rest of the world. Within two years, Japan signed similar treaties with Russia, Holland, and Britain.

The king took a shit on the craps table at the casino.

A man saw a kid on the road, and the man asked: "Where are your parents?" The boy: "..." The man left the adoption center.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

In memory of Michael Jackson, Starbucks and various other establishments are introducing the Jackson tea. It's 50 year old water, with a 7 year old tea bag.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, “What is this – a joke?”

A doctor is at a bar one night and notices a young lady at the counter. He approaches her and says, "Hello there miss, pardon my intrusion, but I was curious to know, if someone were to pay you a million dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

The young lady smiles and says, "That's a lot of money, of course, I would."

The doctor smiles and says, "That's interesting, but what if someone were to pay you 5 dollars to sleep with them, would you?"

The young lady says, "What, are you joking? That's no money at all. Of course, I wouldn't. What do you think I am?"

The Doctor smiles again and says, "We already established what you are, now we're trying to establish a price."

A horse and a bear walk into a bar... Oh wait, can't tell that one!

My mom walks in a bar and the bartender says "water?" saying "we only sell beer!"

A blind man walks into a bar.

And a chair.

And a table.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bartender here?"

Man to woman: "Would you sleep with me for one million dollars?"

Woman: "Sure."

Man: "How about for ten dollars?"

Woman: "What do you think I am?"

Man: "We’ve already established what you are. All we’re doing is negotiating price."

A lady walked into a bar and ordered their special drink. The bartender then gave her a brown glass full of milk. The lady complained about this, but then the bartender said, "Just shut up and swallow!"

Why did the short person bring a ladder to the bar?

Because they heard the drinks were on the house!

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary.

If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

What do you call a Mexican who can’t find the bar?

Barlos.