I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."
Two boys were arguing in class one day when the teacher walked into the classroom.
The teacher asked them, "Why are you arguing?"
One of the boys replied, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."
What were Steven Hawking's last words?
Error 404 File Not Found.
What did the skeleton say before dinner? "Bone appetit." His whole family found that humerus.
Error code 404. "Will to live" not found.
Smileandtalk.exe has stopped working.
I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
The most confusing day of my life was when I found out my toaster was waterproof.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.
Who says Rihanna isn't charitable?
I mean, she found Johnny Depp for her fashion show by scouting for people living in tents down in Skid Row.
Doctor: I diagnose you with obesity.
Patient: It runs in the family.
Doctor: Nothing can run in your family.
How did they figure out what kind of shampoo Paul Walker used? They found his “head and shoulders” in the dash.
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
