Football Jokes

There is this boy in my year , he is in a wheelchair so I kicked a football at him and pushed him and so then I shouted ROCKET LAUGE

He's got a massive f*cking cock, Ayew, Ayew He tucks it in his football sock Ayew, Ayew Shagged a bird and now she's dead Swung his cock around her head Jordan Ayew Palace number nine 🦅🔴🔵

And Sterling has taken a dive. That's all for financial news, back to the football.

And there the referee taking down Ronaldo's number. Not really the time or the place but it's good to see that we've kept homophobia out of football.

Why can't Tottenham open a restaurant? Because they have no silverware

#SpursAreIn9thLOL

Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?

Because they are really good at saving.

Santa claws have a child a bike and a football the child wasn’t happy why

He had no legs

VVD better than Sergio Ramos

So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"

So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"

What do you call an athlete who injured 75% of his spine?

A quarterback.

Which two football teams played in the pirate Superbowl?

The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.

What’s the difference between football and rape?

Women don’t like football.

Why can't Indians play football? Because every time they take a corner, they make a shop.

Two flies were playing football in a saucer. One tells the other, “ you’ll need more practice if you want to play in the cup”

Steven hawking is the fastest footballer ever-he could just charge up the Left Wing

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Uriah. Uriah who? Keep Uriah on the ball Laquon Treadwell!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, the guy asked his girlfriend how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it!" she replied, "Especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

She said, "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I’m like, hellooooo! It’s only 25 cents!"

A guy wins a free ticket to the Super Bowl and so he’s very excited.

However, he’s not so excited when he gets there and realizes his seat’s in the back of the stadium.

So he looks around him for a better seat, and to his surprise he finds an empty seat right next to the field.

He approaches the older guy who’s sitting in the seat next to the empty one and asks if the seat is taken.

The man replies, “No.”

The young guy is very surprised to hear this and asks, “How could someone pass up a seat like this?”

The older guy replies, “It’s my wife’s seat. We’ve been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she’s passed away.”

“Oh, how sad,” the young guy says, taken aback. “I’m sorry to hear that, but couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”

“No,” the man replies, “They’re all at the funeral.”

Q: Why did the young boy ask his parents to take him to the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium during the tornado warning?

A: He said, “There’s never a touchdown there.”

Q: Why doesn’t Toledo have a professional football team? A: Because then, Cincinnati would want one.