Food jokes
What is long, hard, and has cum in it?
A cucumber.
You know why eggs can't tell jokes?
They crack each other up!
I asked my mom to make me a brat. She was sleepy but I said do it anyway. My mom and my dad had fucked last night so he was on the couch but naked. She took a knife and sliced his dick, then put it on a bun, then ketchup and mustard. I said this tasted funny. She was snoring, then I threw it and said, "EW IS THIS A DICK WHAT THE FUCK AHHH!!!!?!?!!!!"
Ever since that day, they haven't fucked again because he ain't got nun to fuck with.
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
Why couldn't the carrot go to his friend's house?
Because he was grounded.
How do you take care of all the babies you just crushed with your car?
Open a pizza shop 🍕
What's great about an emo pizza?
It cuts itself. Yay!
What did the grape say when he got squished? Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
What did the cannibal do after eating all the vegetables?
Sold the wheelchairs on eBay.
Did you hear the pickle joke?
It's actually a really big dill.
How do you make a peanut laugh? You crack it up!
What's the difference between jam and jelly?
You can't jelly your dick into someone's asshole.
I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.
Your kid's so ugly he would make a Happy Meal cry.
What did the evil chicken lay?
Deviled egg.
It took me years to figure out the Oreos served in Lunchables are knock offs. On the cover it says “Chocolate Crème Cookies.” I’ve believed this lie for as long as I can remember. Unless they were real back then? I don’t even know at this point. They sure as hell aren’t real now!
What do you do with a frozen vegetable?
You wait for it to thaw.
What do you call the bell at the Asian restaurant?
I'm ta ping it, some ting won.
What nut is broken? A silly nut!
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple actually gets picked.