Food jokes
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apple gets picked.
Why do they call it Ovaltine?
The jar is round, the mug is round, they should call it Roundtine.
My friend thinks he is funny.
He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”
Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
Q: Why do orphans work at Olive Garden?
A: Because when you're there, you're family.
What do you call a taco in bed?
Es(tá co)stado.
A burrito walked off a building.
Why do you let your dads sleep so they don't get grumpy and eat your dinner?
Why did the emo kid leave the food on the table?
It was the Happy Meal.
Why does the orphan have water with its cereal?
Their dad never came back with the milk.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.
What is one thing humans do before they eat?
They beat their meat to make nuggets.
I had a party the other day. I made sure there were vegan options. They make do or fuck off.
What did the orphan say when his mum asked, "What do you want for dinner?"
He replied, " "
There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".
At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
What are the 2 fights Africa could never win?
A food fight and a water fight!
I cried when my dad cut onions.
Onions was a good dog.
Did you hear about the dead Italian chef?
He pasta way!