Food jokes
What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo.
Why did George Clooney like egg jokes?
Because he had good taste.
A Japanese, Hispanic, and Iraqi man are in a plane. The Japanese man drops a bowl off of it and shouts "I love my country!" Then the Hispanic man drops a burrito off the side and shouts, "I love my country!" Finally, the Iraqi man drops a bomb and shouts, "I love my country!"
Not much longer on, a man walks by a boy who is sitting by a crater laughing non-stop. And the man asks, "What's so funny?" And the boy says "When I farted, my house blew up!"
You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?
Boss: You're fired!
Me: Ok?
Worker: Why are you fired?
Me: Oh, you wanna know...
*shows him the oven with my pizza*
Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!
Worker: OH SHIT!!
Boss: Did you say pizza?
Me: I sure did!
*shows boss pizza in oven*
Me: This hoe black as fuck!
Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes... rice-less!
Memes
I dare you not to laugh
What's the difference between putting a baby and a pizza in an oven?
The pizza doesn't scream in the oven.
What's thick and has ice in it when you take it out of a blender?
A baby smoothie.
What did the blind man say to his dog after eating dinner?
"Just ate a tasty steak!"
What's the worst part about microwaving vegetables?
Fitting the wheelchair in.
How do you eat a cake?
With a fork!
Why did John throw the butter out? Because John wanted to see the butterfly.
When I'm sad, I cut myself...A PIECE OF CAKE!
What's an edible part of a wheelchair?
A vegetable!
Me after Taco Bell, "I’m about to blow this place up like September 11."
What was the last pizza order at the World Trade Center?
Two large planes.
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta-way.
Q: Gaining weight is gonna be a piece of cake.
Why do orphans like milk so much?
Because they got no milk as a baby.
What’s the difference between Apple and orphans?
Apples actually get picked.
Why do orphans have dry cereal?
Because they're still waiting on the milk.