Food jokes
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
What's the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge don't fart when you take your meat out.
Why were the Twin Towers so mad?
They ordered pepperoni, but they got plain.
If Bruno Mars was to run a pub and sell chocolate bars other than alcoholic drinks, then he'd have to call his pub a Mars Bar!
What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan? The apple has a family tree.
What do strippers and peanut butter have in common?
They both like oil.
What do you call chill legumes?
Hippeas.
What do you call a skeleton's omelet?
A bonelet.
Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"
What do you say to an upset German?
Quit being such a sauerkraut!
What do you call disabled people in a hot tub? -- Vegetable soup.
Yo momma is so hungry that she ate your peanuts!
It's amazing how dog owners can make their dogs shout different things. For example, Czech dogs go "barf," American dogs go "woof," and Chinese dogs go "sizzle."
Person 1: “How many ph vids have you watched today?”
Person 2: “Seven.”
Person 1: “What the fuck, dude.”
Person 2: “I know, right? I’ve gotten seven ads for Pizza Hut in the past hour.”
(Based on an encounter I had recently)
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? -- You make a seizure salad.
They are delicious.
How do you quiet a baby down?
Make baby back ribs for dinner.
My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"
What type of cake can orphans not eat? Homemade.