Food jokes
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
I have a lot of eggcellent egg puns, get the yolk... Oh come on, don't be hard-boiled!
Kid: What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?
Teacher: What?
Kid: Fruity Pebbles with water.
Teacher: Why water?
Kid: 'Cause his dad never came back with the milk.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
My asian neighbors dinner.
A man walks into a bar and notices a steak hanging from the ceiling. When he asks the bartender about it, the bartender says, "If you can jump up and hit it, drinks are on the house for the night, but if you miss, everyone's drinks are on your tab for the next two hours. Do you want to try?" The man decided not to take the risk. He thought the steaks were too high.
"Hey, man, do you have any Ben and Jerry's?"
"Yeah, I have two of them, fresh and preserved in the freezer."
"I meant the ice cream, bro..."
Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.
Why were the twin towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but instead they got plain.
This joke is so corny I could eat it off the cob.
What do you call a white man sandwiched between two black men in a blue sleeping bag?
An Oreo.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
A man came up to me and threatened me with his milk, cheese, and butter... how dairy!
What did the pig say when he was in the sun?
I'm bacon.
What do you call an angry Panera Bread?
Panera slapped!
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by an ice cream truck.
What part of a vegetable can you not eat?
The wheelchair.
What did the pimp order at the Chinese restaurant?
He ordered some cock-bang-ho.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I've never had a lentil on my face.
What is the difference between a human and a tree and a house? Is for dinner today after school today after I have school 🏫 I have for kids dinner 🍴 was that I had dinner 🍴 night night dinner 🍴 night is what time it when we went and get the dog 🐶 night and dinner 🍴 night I love 💕 it is the one ☝️ I did not have time today.
Julius Caesar (salad) made easy.