Food jokes

Dees was a squirrel who had big nuts.

Everybody loved dees big nuts.

So, I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom had made cookies. I stole one, not noticing my mom was behind me.

So my mom said, "Put the cookie back, kid!" and I said I wasn't gonna eat it. Then she said, "Never mind, I'll get your father." So my mom said, "Honey, deal with your son; I'm going to the mall!" And my dad said, "Son, if you're not allowed to have a cookie before dinner!"

So he went into his room, and I heard the belt, and I was going to run, but I knew it would be worse. So he said, "This will be your punishment." As he was getting ready to hit me, I said, "Daddy, no, please, I wasn't gonna eat it!" But he said, "No, you won't change my mind, little boy!" Then he hit me. Thank you for reading! Stay healthy and stay safe in this time. Bye!!! Read more of my jokes; they'll probably be around the website!!

Why did the chicken go to KFC? ... To visit his family.

What does milk and a kid with cancer have in common?

An expiration date.

Which one fell first, the Emo Kid or the apple?

The apple, because the rope caught the kid.

What do ghosts put on their bagels 🥯?

Scream cheese.

Is it still called beef if two vegetarians are arguing?

What does a serial killer make for breakfast?

Scrambled legs and toes.

What's the difference between a baby and a cooked chicken?

Several hundred calories.

Why do orphans only eat cereal with water?

Because their dad never came back with the milk.

One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.

I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.

Why did ranch tell fridge to close the door?

He was dressing.

How are Eggs Benedict and a blow job alike?

You can't get either one at home.

Why are apples and orphans the same?

They always get picked on.

Shorts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin. When it's sniff, stick it in. It goes in dry and comes out wet, And the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag.

It's not what you think it is. It's a Lipton tea bag.

Get your mind together!

If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl of chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, "Are you going to eat that?"

The second man replies, "No, you can have it if you want."

So the first man takes the bowl and starts eating.

About halfway through the bowl, he's chewing when he feels a crunch. He looks down only to see half a dead rat sitting in the chili.

He immediately throws all of it up, back into the bowl.

The second man looks at him and says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got too."

Q: What can turn a fruit into a vegetable?

A: AIDS.

What do you call having a 69 with a guy in a wheelchair?

MEALS ON WHEELS :-)

What’s the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry peeling onions!