Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was assaulted.
Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.
Dude, if there is a watermelon, shouldn't there be an earthmelon, airmelon, and a firemelon? The elemelons.
Dude,
if you stab a cereal box, will that make you a cereal killer?
What does a cannibal do after he dumps his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
What do an M&M and juice have in common?
Window.
Why do orphans not have cheese on their burgers? They don't have a dad to get milk.
Underground Fruit Association of N&C (UGFA)?
Weβre bananas!
What do you call a nacho that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.
Did you just come from a bakery? Because youβve got the hottest pair of buns Iβve seen all week.
Why did Jeffery Dahmer not eat old people?
He does not like roasted vegetables.
Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
When someone saw your hairline, they thought it was a Dorito logo.
What is the toughest thing about living a vegan life?
Getting up at 5am to milk the almonds.
You wonder where my dad is.
Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!
What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
People were deciding how to punish a terrible criminal, and one man came up with a great idea.
He sat him in a movie theater with no food at all and made him watch a 12 hour documentary about the country Hungary.
Person 1: Goodness, when is Michael Jackson going to stop eating these white chocolate truffles? He is already making a goddamn mess on his bed eating a few of them.
Person 2: Well, he cannot resist the little white balls.
