Do you put a baby in the microwave covered or uncovered?
Covered, it can take weeks to clean up the explosion.
I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"
Why didn't Stephen Hawking ever eat chicken wings? Because he didn't exist.
I tried making vegetable soup yesterday, but I couldn’t fit the wheelchair in the pot.
Did you hear about the fish and chips? The fish got battered, the chips got salted.
One morning, Peppy and George came downstairs for breakfast, but they got a plate of juicy bacon. Their dad had recently gone missing, so they ate it quite sadly.
The next morning, they went to school and asked their teacher, "What is bacon made out of?" The teacher replied, "Pigs, why?" Peppa and George looked horrified.
The only difference between apples and orphans is apples actually get picked.
The Twin Towers ordered a pepperoni pizza.
They only got plain.
What do you call a cow that's on the ground? Ground beef.
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.