Food jokes
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What do you call chill legumes?
Hippeas.
Two nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other, "I'm-a cashew!"
Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to smash and one is a watermelon.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up a dead baby's ass.
I like peanut butter and honey.
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
Why do orphans have dry cereal?
Because they're still waiting on the milk.
If someone calls you, reply with this: “Hi, this is Dave’s orphanage and pizzeria, where yesterday’s loss is today’s sauce! How may I assist you today?”
2 weeks here.
What do dicks and popsicles have in common?
They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.
I'm not a chef, but boy, are these days getting harder and harder to get through.
Why isn't there a ball pit at Taco Bell? Because it's hard to have fun knowing you might poop your pants.
What is a meatball without spaghetti? A cow.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pizza.
Pizza who?
Never mind, it was so cheesy.
Why did the adopted kid eat the last cookie? Because he was the only one left to adopt; everyone hated him.
How do you get rid of butterflies in your stomach?
Stop eating caterpillars.
What flour do orphans use when baking? Self-Raising (Rising).