Food jokes
The next time you get a sack call, pick up the phone and say, "Welcome to Pete's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is next week's sauce. How may we help you?"
What's a depressed person's least favorite type of cereal?
LIFE.
Yo mama so fat that when she went to KFC, she asked for the bucket on the roof.
What do you call a taco in bed?
Es(tá co)stado.
Why does Jesus hate Skittles?
Because they fall through his hands.
You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
Your legs are just like Oreos! I wanna split the ends and eat what's in between.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions.
Onions was such a good dog.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
Why do melons always have big weddings?
Because they cantaloupe!
What do you call chill legumes?
Hippeas.
Two nuts were chasing each other. One said to the other, "I'm-a cashew!"
Two nuts were walking down the street, and one was a-salted!
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast any time," so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is fun to smash and one is a watermelon.
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? You can't peanut butter your dick up a dead baby's ass.
I like peanut butter and honey.
"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
Why do orphans have dry cereal?
Because they're still waiting on the milk.