Food jokes
What's a lesbian's favorite candy?
Licorice.
Why was the two-piece swimsuit invented?
To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
What do you get when you mix Viagra with spinach?
Strong to the finish.
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
If a prostitute is celebrating her birthday, does she get a hoecake?
What do noodles and women have in common? They both wiggle when you eat them.
How do you know you’re at a gay cookout? They’re putting your sausage between two buns.
What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?
"Does this come with anything?"
What do you call a cow that wasn't meant to be born? A mi-steak!
What do the Twin Tower survivors order from Tim Hortons? A plane bagel.
I feel bad for the guy in 9/11 who ordered a salami pizza. Instead, he just got a plane.
I can’t stand jokes about Germans.
They’re the wurst.
One day I was walking next to a homeless man, and he was eating grass. I asked him if he was hungry. He said yes. I said, "Follow me." You should have seen his face when I showed him my backyard!
What does Michael Jackson say when it gets hot?
He-he-eat!
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
What do you call a flooded hospital?
Vegetable soup.
What's the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
I'm so jealous of babies with anencephaly.
They can eat all the ice cream they want and never get brain freezes.
What happens if a cookie turns emo?
It becomes a cookie cutter.