First Jokes

What is the longest word in the English Dictionary? Smiles because there is a mile between the first letter and the last

A son walks up to his dad and says "Dad! I just had sex for the first time." The dad goes "Great! Wanna sit down and talk about it?" The son says "I cant sit right now, my butt is very sore."

So I caught my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot. My first reaction was “Shit, I was gonna eat that later, but now it’s gonna taste like carrots!”

Jason: Did you hear about the storm-trooper who attempted suicide? Dave: No. Jason: Well, he hit his first target.

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, ̈Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! ̈ After that he joined the Army and learned to say, ̈Yes sir! ̈ After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, ̈Forks and knives, forks and knives! ̈ After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, ̈Goody-goody gumdrops! ̈ A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows: Policeman: Who killed the man? Foreign man: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi! Policeman: Did you kill the man? Foreign man: Yes sir! Policeman: What did you use to kill him: Foreign man: Forks and knives, forks and knives! Policeman: You ́re under arrest. Foreign man: Goody-goody gumdrops!

When I was a child, my parents told me my uncle was ‘sleeping with the fishes’. At first, I thought he bought a water bed, but I then discovered he was killed and buried at sea.

This chess game against America and England is getting interesting, first America lost both of its towers but now England has lost its queen

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

If you're ever bored, try scaring the shit out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.

Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day.... only cause I wanted my first time to be special...

There was murder. The detective suspected the artist first... because he was sketchy.

A elderly woman and an elderly man were at a retirement home The man was shuffling a deck of cards for a card game The man asks "Is it your first time?" The woman replies "It's been a while since a man has asked me that."

What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common? You were bloody and battered but at least you're dad came.

What's the difference between a priest and SpongeBob?

SpongeBob asks if you're ready first

Q:What does a dead prostitute and a swimming pool have in common? A: They're both cold when you first get in, but warms up after a few strokes

I liked my life when I first got it.....later they said no because I didn’t have the receipt.

What is the first thing the disabled download on ITunes? They see me rolling, they hatin

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do to wrights make? The first airplane.

Two atoms were walking on a street. One atom said to the other: "I'm feeling really positive today" and the other replied: "I know. I stole your electron". Then the first atom said "How Ionic"