First Jokes

What would fall out of a tree first? A depressed person or a feather?.

Answer: The feather wouldn't. The rope would stop the person from falling all the way.

If at first it don't succeed try, try again.

Do you know what you first feel when you shot someone?

The recoil.

How many People do you need to change a Lightbulb? Three.The first holds the ladder,the second one holds the Lightbulb and the third one spins the Ladder.

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible....But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister; she said at least wait for her to be born first.

Two people just met. One said, “We should do some bonding.” The other nodded and said back, “Titanic.” The first just looked confused so the second one just said, “Sorry, thought that would be a good icebreaker.”

God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

There were 1 mom and 3 kids. The first kid comes up and asks why is my name daisy? The mom says because when you were born a daisy fell on your head. The second kid asks their mom why is my name butterfly? The mom says because when you were born a butterfly landed on your head. Then the third kid yells ahjoejienfkef. The mom says shut up brick!

Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.

"Moo!" says the second.

There were three people on the third floor of a building the first one took a bite of a apple then said it was too hard so he threw it out the window the second person took a bite of a lemon he said it was too sour so he threw it out the window the third guy was drunk, he took a bite of a grenade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw it out the window then one of them went downstairs he saw a dog laying on the ground dead the apple had hit the dog in the head then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap it had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head next there was a old guy laughing i asked him why he was laugh he said "i farted and the building behind me blew up".

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion.

After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma.

After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

I just went on a date with a woman in a wheelchair

I stood her up, which made her fall for me. At first it was a drag, but now we’re rolling

I was talking to my welsh friend the other day and he suddenly started talking welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke

if at first you don't succeed Maybe Russian Roulette isn't for you