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A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.
The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
There were once three brothers, Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, Shit got hit by a car. Shut up went to find help at the local police station while Manners tried to help Shit.
When Shut up got to the police station he says, "My brother has just been hit by a car."
The policeman replied with, "OK then, first I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"No, I need to know your name."
"Shut up."
"Excuse me, but where are your manners?"
"Round the corner picking up shit."
On the inside of a fire hydrant you'll find H2O. What's on the outside? K9P.
There were three Indians that got kicked out of the tribe.
One said, "Me find food," and he came back with a decent size rabbit. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see rabbit, me shoot rabbit, and rabbit fall down dead."
The 2nd Indian, "Me find food." He came back with a good sized deer. The other two asked him what happened. He said, "Me see deer, me shoot deer, deer fall down dead."
The third Indian said, "Me find food." He came back crawling, missing a leg and an arm, and he was all cut up. The others asked what happened. He said, "Me see train, me shoot train, train no stop!"
Why don't Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
Why did Beethoven have trouble finding a music teacher? Because his teacher was Haydn.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"
What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?
An ingestigation.
A guy finds a genie.
He says, "I wish I was better at talking to women."
"Poof!" the genie says, "You're gay!"
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.