Finance jokes

I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama, can I give my spare money to him? 🤗 And my mum says yes, so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE, while MY MOM knows he's going to spend it on DRUGS. We go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs.

Me- what I think fck what I do 😭.

People see this Rolex and they kill themselves.

Motherfucker, that's a suicide watch!

Would love to pound Sterling with a 14 lb hammer.

At least he got D.L.A. (Disability Living Allowance), so it's not all bad. Every cloud has a silver lining...even a mushroom cloud.

What does Stephen Hawking and a prostitute have in common?

They both charge.

Roses are red, violets are blue, the stonks are high, and so are you.

As a son, I like sports, and I watch sports with my mom. So one day, we were looking at football. My mom asked me who makes the most money. I said the quarterback.

My mom told me I'm going to get a quarterback as my new boyfriend, and it'll be your new stepfather. A week later, my mom went out. I came home, and I see my mom making out with a high school kid. I said, "What's going on?" My mom said, "Look, my new boyfriend and new stepfather is the high school quarterback." My mom said, "See, mission accomplished." I said, "Yeah, job well done."

Mommy, mommy! Are we bank robbers?

Shut up and pass me the note.

My roasts aren't funny. At least this shit gets me money.

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

My money don't jiggle jiggle, it folds.

I want to see you wiggle wiggle, for sure.

Son, why do I not have an Easter basket?

Mom, you're 23, you don't need one. Ends calls, child support.

I bet my friend $5 that he would drown in the lake.

... It was a bittersweet victory.

My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.

Why is Trump always in debt? His university isn't paid off yet!

You are so fat you were able to occupy Wall Street all by yourself.

ROBERT LEWANDISNEY SONG

Give me freedom. Give me fire. Give me contract, Or I retire.

Jog all day, Out of UCL now. FC Barcelona, I need you now.

Villarreal defenders, They surround me. Big submarines, All around me.

I get upset. Call my agent. I want money. I’m impatient.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a third of a beer. The bartender bellows, "Get the hell out of here, are you trying to ruin me?"

What’s long and black?

The line at the unemployment office.

When the card declines on child insurance.