Father's jokes
"Your pussy is sweeter than Mom's," Brother admired his sister.
"I know," replied Sister. "Father told me too."
A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"
Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"
Little Johnny's dad was driving him to school when they came up on a couple in a convertible. It was apparent that they were arguing. You could then see the woman pull out a knife. Seconds later, his dad saw a penis land in the windshield. Worried little Johnny will see it, he quickly turned on the wipers and brushed it off.
"What was that, Dad?" asked lil Johnny. "Oh, just a bug," said his father. With a confused look on lil Johnny's face, he then says, "That bug sure had a big dick, didn't he?"
How many beaten children does it take to change a light bulb for a drunken father?
Apparently not enough to impress him.
Father: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Father: So you won’t be bored. You’re going to need them there.
There are only 363 days in a year for orphans because Mother's Day and Father's Day don't count.
What do an orphan's father and Nemo have in common?
They are both nowhere to be found.
Why do Black people go to a confession stand at the Catholic Church?
They wanna know what it’s like to speak to a father.
Why do you call a priest a father? Because calling them daddy would be too sus.
Why is there only 363 days in an orphan calendar? Because they don't have Mother's Day or Father's Day.
What is the most difficult day in the ghetto?
Father's Day.
Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.
P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?
P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?
P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).
P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*
Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.
During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: started to laugh and said, "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!
Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.
Old soviet joke.
"Who is your mother?" "Our great Soviet country." "Who is your father?" "Our dear comrade Stalin." "What's your greatest desire?" "Becoming an orphan."
I’ll never forget my father’s last words...
Oh fuck, it’s a bus!
Daughter: "I know this is weird, but I feel like someone is watching me when I am sleeping."
Father: "Sorry."
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
Why did the orphan go to church?
It was because he was looking for someone to call "Father."