Family jokes
I found your parent!
Dark humor is like having parents, not everybody gets them.
Why can’t I drive? 'Cuz my dad never showed me how, yet.
Why don't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't find home.
Why do orphans not play Call of Duty?
Because they have to land at houses.
What do orphans and deaf people have in common?
They can't hear their parents.
Teacher: Is anyone's parents missing?
Students: Yeah, yours.
As a son, I set up a home date with my mom and my friend because I was going out of town. I set it up by telling my friend that my mom thinks he is cute, and I told my mom that my friend thinks that she is hot.
I came home the next day. I see in the living room my friend giving it to my mom doggy style. I ask what's going on. My mom said to me, "Meet your new daddy," then my friend said, "Hey son, get me a beer from the fridge."
Your mom's so fat, she fell.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words:
"You need to park a little closer."
Your mom is just like Rapunzel, but instead of letting down her hair, she lets everyone down! OHHHHH!
My mom holds up a hot dog and shouts, "WHO WANTS A WIENIE!?"
Tuesday, I was looking at my family tree, and two dogs were using it.
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
What’s the difference between apples and orphans? Apples actually get picked.
What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?
Father's Day.
What is an orphan's favorite movie? Home Alone.
Orphan: Throws a boomerang.
Boomerang: Comes back with his father.
Father: Goes to get milk.
My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.