Family jokes

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!

Yo mama is so ugly, when she went trick or treating on Halloween 2016, the clowns thought she was their supreme leader.

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named him Sum Ting Wong.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? The apple got picked.

Kid: "I fucked your mom."

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

When you ask your sister if she wanna smash, but then she grabs the Switch.

I feel sad for orphans. They can't watch Star Wars because it's parental guidance.

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭