Family jokes

Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named him Sum Ting Wong.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? The apple got picked.

Kid: "I fucked your mom."

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭

When you ask your sister if she wanna smash, but then she grabs the Switch.

What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.