Family jokes

There was a kid crying. I asked him where his parents were. He cried more. Orphanages are really fun to work at.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.

What do Spiderman and an orphan have in common? They both have no way home.

Yo mama is so ugly, when she went trick or treating on Halloween 2016, the clowns thought she was their supreme leader.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too sus to call them daddy!

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"

Why do Black people dip their Oreos in water?

Because daddy never came back home with the milk.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

A woman's husband has a yearly conference. The first night he's away from home, their teenage son Tommy comes into their room at night and starts to make love to her, but she knows that it can be dangerous to wake a sleepwalker, so she doesn't say anything. He does this every night for two weeks and stops when his father comes home.

She realizes she's pregnant and has a baby boy.

The next year the same thing happens, she gets pregnant again, and has a baby girl.

The third year, she's feeling very guilty, and after thirteen nights of incredible passionate lovemaking she sits Tommy down and tells him, "Every time your father leaves town on business, you sleepwalk into my bedroom and make love to me. Bobby and Anna aren't just your brother and sister, you're their father!"

Tommy said "You think I was sleepwalking?"

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.

American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"

Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"

German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"

My kids are so ungrateful. I got them a new dishwasher and they just won't stop complaining about their mom.

Roses are red, violets are violet.

My grandad died in 9/11. He was a good pilot.

A Chinese couple had a black baby and named him Sum Ting Wong.

Kid: "I fucked your mom."

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? The apple got picked.

The doctor says to the woman, "There was good and bad news." The woman says she wants the bad news first. The doctor says, "The bad news is the baby had red hair." Then he said, "The good news is, it is dead."

My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭