Family jokes

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Cause it's a family company.

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

Why are babies called bundles of joy?

When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

Wanna hear a good joke?

My dad’s love for me.

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

What did the beaver say to his son?

Dam, son.

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

Kenny can't find a girlfriend because neither of his sisters can fuck as good as his mom could.

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.

You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.