Family jokes

Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.

Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA

Raaj went up to his mom and said, "I bet you 10 dollars I can disappear." Then he turned off the lights.

A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?

Cause it's a family company.

When you're fucking your boss's daughter, then you realize that you are self-employed.

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

Why are babies called bundles of joy?

When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

A woman marries a man and has 7 children. The husband dies, and she marries another man. She has another 7 children, and later the husband dies. A year later she gets married again, and has another 7 children. She dies after a few months.

At the funeral, a man sees the priest looking at the heavens. He walks over and hears the man say, "They're finally together again." The man looks at the priest and says, "With her husband?" The priest looks at the man and says, "No, her legs."

Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."

Me: "Why did you?"

Mom: "I was very drunk..."

Explains a lot...

What did the beaver say to his son?

Dam, son.

Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.

Quiet kid: "I'm home!"

Parents: "What did you learn at school today?"

Quiet kid: "I've learned that I've had enough!"

My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.

Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?

In hope to find a mummy.