Son: Dad, am I adopted?
Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?
Best friend: Dude, your sister is hot, I'd hit that.
Me: Already did. SWEET HOME ALABAMA
So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.
"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"
"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"
And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:
"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"
Why are babies called bundles of joy?
When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.
Why can't an orphan play Family Feud? Because it has to have a family.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."
Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."
What did the beaver say to his son?
Dam, son.
Why do orphans want to be communist?
So they would have a motherland.
Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson?
Cause it's a family company.
Why do orphans hate milk? Cause their family is still shopping for it!
What did me and my uncle call hide and seek? Naked and afraid.
Whenever my grandparents apologize, I say "forgive and forget". They are really obedient.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
Roses are red, violets are blue. Your mom isn't here because she doesn't love you.
You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
So my dad said to me and my sister, "Don't fight," but did he mean "fist fight" or "yelling fight?"
Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?
Mom: No.
Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.
I told a kid his dad is a magician because he disappeared and never came back home.
