Family jokes

What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

Why do orphans bully people?

Because they can't get suspended.

Contact Parent _______

If an orphan was Spiderman, which movie would he be in?

"No Way Home."

Why is Helen Keller's child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

Cousins make dozens.

Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?

In hope to find a mummy.

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

Daughter: Mommy?

Mom: Hey.

Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?

Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.

Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...

What is the one kind of work orphans don’t know? Homework.

When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

I cried when my dad cut up onions. Onions was a good dog.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.

I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

Why did the orphan commit suicide?

So he could find home.

- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?

- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!