Family jokes
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
I feel sad for orphans. They can't watch Star Wars because it's parental guidance.
When you ask your sister if she wanna smash, but then she grabs the Switch.
My uncle said he wants to be a dinosaur. I said why... he said so I could be extinct 😭😭
I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.
If an orphan was Spiderman, which movie would he be in?
"No Way Home."
Why is Helen Keller's child blind too? She always fed it with a fork!
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
Cousins make dozens.
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
Yo mama so ugly she made happy meals cry.
My dad just comes and goes.
I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.
My wife called me a pedophile. That is a big word for a 2 year old.
Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!
Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."
My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!
What is the one kind of work orphans don’t know? Homework.
When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.