Family

Family jokes

Orphan

Why do orphans bully people?

Because they can't get suspended.

Contact Parent _______

Mistake

A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?

Race Car

Lil Timmy and Lil Susie are taking a bath together. Lil Susie looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car." They continue on with their bath.

Then Lil Timmy looks down and says, "Hey, what's that?" Lil Susie looks down and says, "Oh, that, that's only my little red race car garage." They continue with their bath. Then Lil Susie says, "Hey, what if we try to put your little red race car in my little red race car garage?"

The parents downstairs then hear a bloody scream. They rush upstairs and then say, "What's wrong?" Lil Susie says, "Well, Lil Timmy tried to put his little red race car in my little red race car garage but the back wheels wouldn't fit, so we cut them off."

Comeback

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: I'm not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I don't have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

Drunk

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

Orphan

Why do orphans go to the ancient pyramids for vacation?

In hope to find a mummy.

Fart

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

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  • Dad

    Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

    Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

  • 3
  • Suicide

    I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

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  • Truth

    This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

    Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

    Self Harm

    When I self-harmed one day, my mother told me that it cut her deep. We both found that very amusing.

    Daughter

    Daughter: Mommy?

    Mom: Hey.

    Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?

    Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.

    Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...

    Orphan

    What is the difference between an orphan and a criminal?

    Criminals are wanted.

    Death

    I want to die peacefully like my uncle, but I don’t own a car or have a garage.

    Marijuana

    Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

    Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "You know you wanna."

    Jill said yes and lifted her dress so they could have some fun, but stupid Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.